Ahh, conferences: the best chance to see the many diverse characters of academia in one room. And yet, you always seem to bump into the same sorts of people at these events. If you've attended a conference, you've surely met each of these people:

1. The eminent professor

Do you see, over there, the huge crowd? Right in the middle of the group, there is the eminent professor. Everyone at the conference knows their name, and everyone has read their book. They are surrounded at all times by an assortment of support staff, career climbers, and lowly, less-eminent academics who are vying for their attention. Should you ever get the chance to actually converse with the eminent professor, you'll find that they're informative, enthusiastic, and rather charming. But good luck getting to them – you'll have to fight your way through the crowd if you want the chance to chat with them.

2. The chronic networker

Have you taken a business card? Would you like a business card? They have a lot of business cards, and they very much like to hand them out to everyone in their path. This is the chronic networker, the person who seems to be incapable of having a single conversation without immediately launching into their elevator pitch. You might be interested in what they have to say, but they talk about themselves so much that it's impossible for you to get a word in edgeways, and they seem to have absolutely no interest in your work anyway. They just want to make sure that you know who they are, making them frankly kind of exhausting to deal with.

3. The terrified grad student

Usually to be found hovering over the buffet or trying to hide in a corner, you can often spot a nervous grad student at their first conference. They're kind of jumpy when you try to talk to them, but usually they're happy just to have someone to stand with. They don't know where they're supposed to be or who they're supposed to be talking to, though often you can see them trotting along behind a supervisor. If they have to give a talk or present a poster, they'll be even more twitchy and uncertain about themselves, their topic, and academia in general. Be gentle with them and have some sympathy – we were all them at one point.

4. The impenetrable jargon lover

You're trying to have a simple conversation, but your conversational partner keeps peppering their sentences with strange acronyms and unfamiliar technical terms. They speak exclusively in the language of jargonese, and they never met a four syllable word that they didn't love. Not only is being comprehensible to others not a priority for them, but they seem to be under the impression that if other people can understand what they're saying, then they aren't saying it in a complicated enough way. While most people view a conference as an opportunity to learn, the jargon lover views it as an opportunity to show off how clever they are. Best to avoid them if at all possible.

5. The person doing your exact research

Oh, did you think that your research was original? That no one else would possibly be working in your particular weird little niche, or using your unique methodology? Well, apparently you were wrong, as you discover when you meet someone at the conference who is also working on your exact topic. Even more worryingly, they seem to know more about your topic than you do, and to have more original ideas. Damn. But don't despair, and don't be unfriendly to this person. In fact, they will be a wonderful resource for you to discuss your ideas with, so try your best to make friends with them. And if you're freaking out, remember that they are probably having the same panic that you are! See how much you have in common already? This is one person who you do want to take a business card from.

If you're ready to meet this motley crew for yourself, then check out CONFERENCEMONKEY.ORG for a list of conferences which you could attend.

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